If You Give A Woman a Baby

Posted on Aug 23, 2011 | Tags: | Comments (0)

If you give a woman a baby,
She'll want some stuff to go with it,
So you'll throw her a baby shower,
When she's finished opening the first gift, she'll want another,
And another.
And another.
When they're all gone,
She'll ask you to go buy some more,
You'll have to go to the store to get some gifts,
She'll want to go with you,
When she gets back and sees how small the apartment is, she'll ask for a house,
When she gets the house, she'll notice all the rooms are empty,
She'll ask for money for furniture,
She'll start decorating. The decorating will remind her of the Shabby Chic book she just read,
So she'll ask you to go garage sale shopping with her,
She'll buy an old dresser to redo,
When you get home, she'll ask you to sand it down because she's pregnant,
She'll need you to paint it because she's pregnant,
Then she'll ask you put on the finishing touches,
When the dresser is finished, she'll try pushing it up the stairs,
But her belly will stick out too far,
So she'll ask you to do it,
You'll push it up the stairs.
As you push, she'll start feeling the need to push and realize it's time to go to the hospital,
She'll push the baby out and shout, "OUCH!"
It'll hurt so much, she'll tell you to NEVER touch her AGAIN.
So you'll take her and the baby back home,
Then she'll ask you to change a diaper,
She'll probably want some baby powder and diaper creme,
She'll go to the baby's room to get it,
When's she's walking down the hall, she'll see the spare bedroom,
Seeing the empty bedroom, will remind her of the decorating,
She'll probably ask you for more stuff,
And chances are
if you give her more stuff,
she'll want another baby to go with it.

by Elaine Mingus
inspired by Laura Joffe Numeroff's If You Give a Moose a Muffin